ROGER GOODELL APPOINTS HIMSELF COMMISIONER OF AMERICA
In one of the more shocking news items on this Election Day,
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has extended his authority beyond the
football field and into our homes. Earlier
this morning, the commissioner’s office released a statement declaring that
from this day forward, Roger Goodell will be the commissioner of America.
In the press conference that followed, Goodell took the
stage wearing a gold crown and carrying an actual shield with the “NFL” logo on it. He explained that the absolute power vested
in him by the league grants him the authority to do anything he wants,
including run our country. “I’m the big
swinging dick at an organization that makes billions of dollars a year,”
Goodell said. “That pretty much
qualifies me to do anything I want, like pour this coffee on your head.” Goodell then poured a cup of hot coffee on
the journalist sitting directly in front of him.
According to Goodell, his first order of business will be
changing the country’s motto to, “I am the Law,” and putting his face on all
U.S. currency. Then, he will start
handing down a slew of suspensions. For
example, he plans to suspend Ridley Scott from filmmaking because he thought
“Prometheus” sucked. When a writer brought
up the fact that Scott is British, Goodell banned him from reporting for a
year. Our new CoA also revealed plans to
turn his office into a floating airship, and showed journalists blueprints for
his roller coaster on the moon.
Being that this is Election Day, Goodell was inevitably
asked what his relation would be to our nation’s president. “Oh, that guy?” he
remarked with a crazy gleam in his eye.
“I can’t wait to boss him around.”
As Goodell strutted off stage, he also declared that
concussions are a myth and added a Tuesday night game to the NFL schedule.
No comments:
Post a Comment