Friday, January 18, 2013
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
ROGER GOODELL APPOINTS HIMSELF COMMISIONER OF AMERICA
ROGER GOODELL APPOINTS HIMSELF COMMISIONER OF AMERICA
In one of the more shocking news items on this Election Day,
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has extended his authority beyond the
football field and into our homes. Earlier
this morning, the commissioner’s office released a statement declaring that
from this day forward, Roger Goodell will be the commissioner of America.
In the press conference that followed, Goodell took the
stage wearing a gold crown and carrying an actual shield with the “NFL” logo on it. He explained that the absolute power vested
in him by the league grants him the authority to do anything he wants,
including run our country. “I’m the big
swinging dick at an organization that makes billions of dollars a year,”
Goodell said. “That pretty much
qualifies me to do anything I want, like pour this coffee on your head.” Goodell then poured a cup of hot coffee on
the journalist sitting directly in front of him.
According to Goodell, his first order of business will be
changing the country’s motto to, “I am the Law,” and putting his face on all
U.S. currency. Then, he will start
handing down a slew of suspensions. For
example, he plans to suspend Ridley Scott from filmmaking because he thought
“Prometheus” sucked. When a writer brought
up the fact that Scott is British, Goodell banned him from reporting for a
year. Our new CoA also revealed plans to
turn his office into a floating airship, and showed journalists blueprints for
his roller coaster on the moon.
Being that this is Election Day, Goodell was inevitably
asked what his relation would be to our nation’s president. “Oh, that guy?” he
remarked with a crazy gleam in his eye.
“I can’t wait to boss him around.”
As Goodell strutted off stage, he also declared that
concussions are a myth and added a Tuesday night game to the NFL schedule.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Mark Cuban on First Take - 6/22/12
Mark Cuban came on "ESPN First Take" this morning to debate Skip Bayless. He wore this T-shirt, clearly out of respect for Skip, and because he's a big fan of the Smurfs.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
BREAKING NEWS: New Orleans Saints implicated in JFK Assassination, Watergate, and Puppy Killing
Just when we thought the offseason couldn't get any worse for the New Orleans Saints organization, it has.
Fresh off the heels of "Bountygate" and alleged illegal wiretapping, ESPN's "Outside the Lines" is reporting that the Saints not only orchestrated the cold-blooded killing of one of our nation's most beloved presidents, but were also the secret masterminds behind the most shocking political scandal of all time. They also kill puppies.
Never-before-seen documents found in Lee Harvey Oswald's house reveal a clandestine connection between Oswald and the Saints front office. According to the documents, he would have received an "extra bonus" had he torn John F. Kennedy's ACL muscle.
As for Watergate, new information obtained by "Outside the Lines" reveals that there were actually six men involved in the initial break-in. That sixth man was none other than former Saints Quarterback Archie Manning. When asked if he was involved in the Superdome wiretapping, Archie responded, "can we talk about Peyton's neck instead?"
To make matters worse, every single person who works for the Saints, from the equipment manager to Drew Brees, takes part in New Orleans' largest puppy killing ring; an unconscionable activity in which participants literally stand inside a ring and kill puppies.
The Saints front office has declined to comment on these new allegations. Needless to say, their offseason roller coaster ride is far from over.
Fresh off the heels of "Bountygate" and alleged illegal wiretapping, ESPN's "Outside the Lines" is reporting that the Saints not only orchestrated the cold-blooded killing of one of our nation's most beloved presidents, but were also the secret masterminds behind the most shocking political scandal of all time. They also kill puppies.
Never-before-seen documents found in Lee Harvey Oswald's house reveal a clandestine connection between Oswald and the Saints front office. According to the documents, he would have received an "extra bonus" had he torn John F. Kennedy's ACL muscle.
As for Watergate, new information obtained by "Outside the Lines" reveals that there were actually six men involved in the initial break-in. That sixth man was none other than former Saints Quarterback Archie Manning. When asked if he was involved in the Superdome wiretapping, Archie responded, "can we talk about Peyton's neck instead?"
To make matters worse, every single person who works for the Saints, from the equipment manager to Drew Brees, takes part in New Orleans' largest puppy killing ring; an unconscionable activity in which participants literally stand inside a ring and kill puppies.
The Saints front office has declined to comment on these new allegations. Needless to say, their offseason roller coaster ride is far from over.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
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